Living with an abortion

In my dream, I am at a health clinic which is set up in a gymnasium. I am an apprenctice nurse under the supervision of a matron-like senior nurse. A young, very fragile woman is rolled in on a cot. I know that she is me and that she has just had an abortion. She is very ill and weak. The head nurse turns to me and says: “She is your responsbility, you take care of her.”

I approach the young woman and give her all the proper “medical” care. But I am very detached and cold and do not truly “take care” of her.

In the next scene, she has transformed into a foetus-like form in a cold metallic kidney-shaped hospital pan. I know that I’m responsible for her and so I put her on a burner to keep her warm. I leave her there to continue my chores, I concentrate on placing the medication in the cabinet in alphabetical order. I am so absorbed in this task that I completely forget about her until I smell something burning. I turn around and she is completely charred. I feel sick to my stomach and woke up.

I was very troubled by the dream:  I couldn’t grasp what it was all about, except that it certainly had a strong meaning for me. I decided to do a visualization exercise to work through my dream.

While lying down, I recreated the inital images until I felt I was “back in the dream.”

I visualized every scene of the dream until I got to where the young woman is rolled in on the cot. This was the crucial point… I knew that the final turn of the dream depended on what happened here. I asked myself:  “What would I like to have happen in my dream so that I can feel good about this?” The answer was clear:  “Love her and really take care of her.” Which is what I did. In my visualisation I massaged her head, her hand, and stroked her hair.

Sudeenly, something shifted in the imagery and in me. In the dream her stomach started to bloat and became the size of a fully pregnant woman. As this occurred I experienced the exact same bloating. I flowed with this very strong experience in my body.

Another shift occurred. The imagery faded away and I truly became the young pregnant woman. This was no longer an imagery in my head but a strongly felt physical experience. Lying on my back, I surrendered to the experience. It only amplified. The more I surrendered, the more it become clear that my body was telling me I had to go through labour and childbirth.

Flat on my back, all alone, I spread my legs wide, pushed and pushed until I lived through a beautiful experience of childbirth. Once I felt “the child” was out, I placed him on my stomach and basked in the wonder of birth. I was serene and fulfilled. My body had brought my abortion of fifteen yeras ago to a close. This was my first and last post-abortion experince. It was a though my body had to go through all the steps between conception and birth before completely letting go. I was amazed by the power of the body to carry forward its deepest needs.

Suzanne, Hull (Québec)

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2 Responses to Living with an abortion

  1. Akklia says:

    I feel I am the only woman in the world who got an abortion and can see the benefits she reaped. I did not violate my morales having the abortion. The child was trully unwanted and unplanned. I hated it the moment I learned it was in me. My ethics would have been violated if I brought an unwanted, unplanned child into the world. I would have been forced on Public Aid. I’ve already lived the life of poverty due to a single parent and would never do that to my genetic offspring. Fast forward pretty much exactly ten years later, I had the child I wanted with the husband I want. Not to say, I don’t think about that little life, but it wouldn’t have had a happy life, I wasn’t fit to parent. I realize I sacrificed my dream of two children, but, I’m okay with that. Hubby only wanted one, anyway. Now, I am old enough to properly raise my child without passing on the severely limiting psychological bull my parents raised me with. I now have the wisdom and experience to be a No Scream Parent.

    I am not sorry. I will never apologize. I did the right thing and my baby’s soul waited for me.

    I don’t know why women that trully don’t want abortions get them and then subject themselves to decades of grief.

  2. I believe it is possible to have an abortion without regret, as I have had this experience. I still loved the baby I chose not to keep, I spoke to it every day for the short time I carried it in my body and I chose to believe that it accepted NOT to stay because it was not the right time for my lover and I to become parents together. I think of (her) still… and imagine that she is watching over us in our lives.

    We can’t judge why people choose what they choose, it’s all a process of learning and growth, and even grief has much to teach us…

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